Month: January 2019

Last evening I attended a talk by a local author who also has a lot of cred on the national stage. Oprah knows about him and he’s not even fat. I used to read his thrice weekly column in our rag of a city newspaper when it was actually readable. I only put an F in front of the name now, and wanted to raise my hand and correct said author when he mentioned them. But that’s a gripe for another time. I hope. The Author has written a few really good books so I’ll forgive his past. Speaking of forgiveness, the retired priest who sat next to me at dinner needs some. He never stopped talking about himself!?$! Isn’t one of your job requirements to care about your flock?? My feathers were downright fluffy I so wanted to converse. People talk AT me alllll the time. No conversation. Even some of my Boomlennial bros. No give/take back/forth I’m fine/and you?? Drives me crazy and I don’t need help. But a priest? Guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Not their first, ahem, transgression #boyswillbeboys. Anyway, back to The Author. He said you don’t really have to have anything to write about. Eureka!! I’m in! I try to rep my Boomlennial brethren in all things brilliant, but sometimes I got nothin. Or I have a junior moment and my oh-so-fascinating diatribe poof. There should have been some interesting dinner conversation but the priest’s aluminum pan on his radiator was only outdone by his talk of his brown teeth. He did tell me my phone was my slave collar which was wrong on so many levels. I really just needed to talk to Suri because she would talk back. Novel idea! Short novel. But it’s coming…. #rightafterIgetbackfromthemoon

is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.” A very astute line in Henry V by William Shakespeare. Of course I’ve googled the word liege and still don’t understand what it means but that’s what you do when winter happens all in one day. Pulling out my eye lashes next. It did get me thinking about a common discussion in my WW group, previously known as Weight Watchers. Nope. Not anymore. Really tricked it up. Seems we always go back to the same theme that women care for everyone else first, and suffer the consequences. I’m not sure if I buy that thinking anymore. A few decades back that might have been more common, but I have to think we’ve all evolved. Otherwise, men and women wouldn’t be able to coexist whether at work or home or wherever. There are fewer Stepford Wives then there used to be #thankyouJesus, and they are laughed at more than admired. Yes. No. Both those words are a complete sentence and need to be used judiciously. And with a roar rather than a whisper. Don’t fight the problem, decide it. And now to wood floors being alive(ish). And silk flowers. (Stay with me here). I used to have some silk flowers in a very sunny window. Much like real ones, they bent toward the sun over a few years. I finally threw them out because they looked odd. And made me shake my head. But….silk is a ‘natural’ product and whether they dried out or collected dust on one side or whatever they moved. (I know I know snowbound and all that). Wood floors. A peep bought an old house and was taking up the carpet to expose the beautiful floors that had been hidden for years. But, yet again a mystery, the pad had grown into the floor. Only very laborious scraping was getting it up. No product helped. Much like silk, at one time it was a moving target and maybe there was no stopping some intangible property that continued to evolve over time. Did I say my TV didn’t work for two days, also? And I had no bread or milk but lots-oh-wine? So join me in a toast to the people in your life. Raise your glass or raise your standards.

Love this time of year when all the new diet and health trends are touted out as being the best and brightest. And I usually fall for most of them until I don’t. Keto lasted two days and that was one day too many. Putting butter in my coffee instead of milk made me want to puke which I guess is one form of weight management. A very disgusting way. I’m no doctor (well yes I am but a really sucky one), but that cannot be good for you. Neeeeext. There are many versions of milk out there but try as I might I cannot find a nipple on that almond or cashew. Where do they hide those glands? Oatmeal milk is all the buzz but even with my glasses, nope, no nipple. Got milk?? How? Coconut I could almost accept because it at least has that ‘look’. Rather hard and implant lookish but ok. Now banana milk is out but even I’m not going there yikes! A new product just coming out from a top brand is a ‘plant-based’ yogurt. Yogurt is made from animal produced milk you morons! At least they see the error of their ways and are working on a different way to market it. Geesh. Call it juice, call it drink, call it Koolaid for gosh sakes but we the people are smart enough to know it’s not milk. (That’s a joke BTW). Another fascinating thing I recently heard was that cardigan sweaters are back in style. Whaaaat??? How did I miss that they were OUT of style? I watch too many lame shows to not know this. The news clip told the viewers to raid their grandmother’s closet for great, old finds. Sorry but no one’s touching my hip, bright, warm cashmere sweaters. They are staying right on the rocking chair where they belong. The news segment also used the word unt when talking about someone’s aunt which should be pronounced ant. Just annoys me when I hear that. Feels so wrong. I’m starting to feel like a Seinfeld episode so time for some Cheerios and banana milk. Gag.

WTF in 2018

Now that I’ve had a chance to tiptoe my way into the new year, I’ve garnered more clarity on the last. Had a deep, so deep discussion with one of my peeps about how as a society we are very judgy. At last someone gets me!! Which of course brings me to athleisure shoes. Why wouldn’t it? I liked the trend. Thought it was cool and relaxing to pad around in gym shoes while in a suit. And since I’ve been on a quest to find comfortable yet stylish shoes I thought this was way too easy. I embraced it. Several pair of shoes later I’ve figured out the flaw in my thinking. They are adorable on young people. They are orthopedic on more mature feet. (Notice I didn’t say OLD fellow Boomlennials). Just doesn’t work. And what is it with square drinking glasses? Had them at a few trendy spots and that is just trying too hard. Mouth placement shouldn’t become work. I was mentally reviewing a riverboat cruise I took and now that they are actively pursuing me for moremoremore I need to explain about going to Mt. Hood(ish). To them. It was an all day excursion. A few hours on a bus, visit the hood a few hours, then back on the bus. What they failed to mention until we parked is that Mt Hood was closed for the season. But no fear! We are stopping at the visitor’s center and gift shop and if you look wayyyyy out there you can pretend to see it. WTF!$#%! Oops forgot to mention that little detail. I know it was an old people cruise but even they (not including me or mine) were looking around waiting for the you’ve been punked cameras. Highlight of the trip. Speaking of funerals (I know I know not great transitions in this post), they are getting weird(er). It seems the body thing is out of style. Which is fine but I kind of don’t know what to do with myself. Stare at an urn? Wander around guessing who the family is? Enjoy the Celebration of Life with no alcohol? So I’m trying to make a personal strategy where I can pay my respect but not feel like I didn’t. When I come up with it you’ll certainly be enlightened with a weird blogue post. And it will become trendy and you can say you heard it here first. I also think we should wear shirts with no pants like Winnie the Pooh. Seems to work for him. I hate Hota Kobe. Just sayin. On to a wild and precious New Year!