Month: April 2020

Now that I’m afraid to touch anything from the outside world without hosing it down first, I’m looking suspiciously at my floor. My dog is outside wandering through the Everglades, or desert, depending on Ohio’s wishy-washyness. (I tried to use a big word but couldn’t find it in my Google search. Guess I made it up). Said dog then comes in and spreads the whatever. So that three second rule is over, right? Not that I would ever eat anything that has been on the floor. Asking for a friend and all that. Everything is just kind of out of sorts in my world. It’s like living in Vegas. Cocktails are acceptable at any hour, I’m losing money by the minute, and it doesn’t really matter what time it is. I have learned a lot about myself during this exile, none of it that earth shattering. I love restaurants!! Going OUT to eat is my hobby. And I’m really good at it. Also, I spend way too much time at non-essential businesses. Yep, my life is kind of looking like that now, too. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. (There is.). What I’m most proud of discovering, however, is I spend way too much time touching my face. Never thought about that one before, but it’s down right scary. Won’t mention what my nails look like. You’ve got to see them to believe them. I know I don’t have to tell all I know, but I do I do! What else could I talk about if not my brilliant self? Okay, I’ll talk about other people. I hate your stupid family videos of covering songs, thinking it’s funny. To you, yes. To me, annoying. Also, news/weather people…I don’t want to see your kids wandering around, or your ugly dogs licking your face. Haha. Not funny. Feel good songs, nope. Like having to sit through you’re boring vacation pictures. What, pray tell, is a vacation, again? Sigh. Big sigh. One positive I do think will come out of this is no more hugging! Yipeee. I’ve found myself hugging people I don’t even know, or during awkward business exchanges. Just was always a weird line to cross or not. Now you’re poison, and I’m okay with that. Oprah was being interviewed on TV and she is taking it upon herself to ‘lift the countries spirits’. Now that’s quite the job, and quite the halo she has. Really? Are we looking to Oprah to make us feel better? I never did like her book club books. Always a victim. One that usually rose above the crisis. Not this time Lady O. I’ve got Governor Cuomo and his banana fingers. And the wave of locusts eating their way through Africa. And too much bad news. Blackjack!! Heading to the jewelry store. I need some fresh air. #unstablenogunsoreos

Do airport rules apply during quarantine?

Yes. Have a drink at 9am if you want to.

Should I buy a gun?

No. Your family is already very unstable. You do not need to shoot squirrels for dinner. Or the neighbor’s cat.

Is it alright to talk to the appliances?

Yes, but be careful. The washing machine will put her own spin on it.

My church has sent out a recipe for unleavened bread so I can share virtual communion with everyone. Is it okay to drink wine? Of course. A lot. It is a sacrifice we must make for our Lord.

My refrigerator is stuffed with food. Must I eat it all?

Yes. Especially the perishables like tomatoes and oranges, until you have canker sores in your mouth.

My dog just keeps bothering me for attention. Must I keep petting him?

Yes. He is the only friend you have right now.

If I’m on the phone is it okay to say I’ve gotta run?

Only if you are going to the bathroom.

Do I need to cover my gray roots?

Ugh. Yes.

Potatoes have gotten a bad wrap lately. Is it okay to eat them now?

Of course! Breakfast hash browns. Lunch fast food fries. Nice dinner baked. Easter mashed. Cocktail hour potato chips.

Is it okay to give up on my weight loss efforts?

Yes, but be careful. My scale told me to social distance. Only one person at a time.

Is it important to remember what day of the week it is?

Yes. This day, that day, the other day, someday, yesterday, today, and next day.

This too shall pass. Someday.

You all know what I’m talking about. Those wonderful high school Zoom concerts where everyone is in their own square entertaining us. Is it just me (probably) that finds it annoying? I just had a video meeting with a board I’m on and was not fond of my square. I showered and dressed. Put full makeup on, including eyebrows. But when I saw that fourple chin it was just not happening. Out and out. (And not to be judgy but you all didn’t look that great either). Kidding. Kind of. I just don’t really need to see everyone to have a conversation. It was actually distracting to the content. I was much more interested in looking at your stylish living room then hearing what you had to say. But then I’m pretty shallow sigh. Take my center square, please. I know the kids are all doing their homeschooling that way, but they only have one chin and that’s where it needs to stay. At this point, the breaking news is not. It’s the same stories reported ad nauseum, and just seeing Governor Cuomo’s sausage fingers over and over is giving me nightmares. Ohio’s Dr. Acton is now looking like a sad sad puppy and I just want to throw a shoe at her. Her calming influence is now making me prickly as you can see. My news consumption is slowing down. I’ve been starting to find our President kind of hot, and that’s a weird blogue just waiting to happen. Despite the media perception that we are all just laying around in our pj’s watching trashy Tiger shows on Netflix, most of the peeps I know are pretty busy. The parents, of course, are struggling with the kiddos to get through their online curriculum. One of my wee dearests assignments was an outdoor scavenger hunt. Well, bundle up family, it’s go time. Trying to navigate a work at home environment for those that are able takes some commitment and patience. At one time it may have seemed like the ultimate dream, but now you realize that it kind of blows and you’re growing moss. I do try to walk at the park most days, but it is getting too busy and I’m giving people dirty looks when I think they are invading my space. My hiking shoes are waterproof so I veer off the path into the muck when I sense danger ahead. Like a double stroller and a dog. Head to the hills!!! Of course I’ll probably end up with typhus and ringworm, but not the biggy. My reading genre has to change. I go through phases. Might be historical fiction for a few months, then women’s lit, or the Book Club reads that everyone’s talking about. For some reason lately, I started back to those Stephen KIngish type authors where strange stuff is happening, but the good writers make it seem all too real. Now that 2020 is stranger than fiction, I need to make my way to something lame. Like my blogues. No one finds them more brilliantly fascinating then I do. Will have to visit the archives. Might be a nice refresher to reminisce about the good ole days. Sigh.