Month: January 2018

If that title doesn’t pull you in like a pair of pantyhose with too many runners,  you have no imagination.  Which is the reason I couldn’t come up with a better way of expressing my favorite symbol.  Long story longer.  A friend of mine was giving me a play by play of a horrible thing he did.  So horrible.  It was a beautiful spring day and his kids came home from school and wanted to go out and play.  He thought it was a grand idea oh dear oh dear.  So out they went ooobla dee oobla da.  I’m starting to shake now.  SPOUSE comes home, sees the kids outside in school clothing, and lights into the world.  Yells at him, yells at kids, yells yells yells.  Such a big, bad blunder.  So smooth guy that he is draws a Big Circle with a Small Dot in the Middle, and explains calmly that the Circle is his world, and the tiny Dot is how much he cares about the kids playing in their school clothes.  Perfect gentleman, perfect sense.  I think many things that make us want to yell yell yell are just Little Dots.  Perspective.  This happened over ten years ago but I often think of that symbol which I wish I could name and patent.  Goose poop on your clothes is a tiny Dot.  Wait I take that back.  It’s disgusting.  But making yourself crazy over trivia is not good when we live in a trivial world.  SPOUSE is a bit of a wack job (oh yeah that’s rude), and I might be losing another follower here, but I’ll always be so appreciative of a path to categorize my life dot dot dot….

 

usually takes the bitch right out of me.  Unless of course the frumpy waitress keeps telling me it’s her favorite.  Or the meal I ordered is her favorite.  Or the screeeeeeam.  Why in the world would anyone care about the palette of the no name waitress?  Or maybe the question is what training manual has been circulating in the culinary field.  I’ve heard the line before and roll my eyes maybe, probably, but stop it no name.  I don’t know you and you don’t know me and free range squirrel is delightful and what do you think of that?  It reminds me of the diet commercials that say ‘if I can do it anyone can do it’.   Really?  You are the role model for the ENTIRE WORLD???   Who gave Marie Osmond that awesome responsibility?   I don’t know you, you don’t know me.  Eating out of cardboard boxes that have been sitting on my porch all day is not my go to plan, but thanks, Marie, for thinking you got my back.  Now about those blown up lips that are about to explode Botox…  Oops, off message.  Back to me.  A great tidbit I heard is never take advice from someone you wouldn’t want to switch places with.  Yes that sounds snooty and kind of brilliant.  Sometimes you just have to narrow the field of who you listen to.  No Name shouldn’t be advising me.  And if I’m thrilled that her and I share similar tastes in wine, might need to delve into that more deeply.  Bet the docs Oz and Phil could beat that one for an hour.  Also role models for the world. Or maybe I need to lay off daytime TV and just drink water.  Sparkling, flat, bottled, tap?  What do you suggest?  Help glug glug glug….

 

As I reach a new year of insobriety,  it’s time to ponder the Boomlennial folklore and see how we’re doing and where we are going.  The millenials get a lot of attention but I’m not so sure that a populace that can’t stop eating Tide pods is getting my respect.  The Boomlennial does need to step up their game a bit and be somewhat inventive, however.  Way too many of us go to Florida in the winter which is nice and warm and bright and ok now I’m just jealous.  But sometimes you go there and hang out with the same people you do up north.  Bad Boomlennial grade for that.  Meet new weird people.  You see the old weird people enough.  Or go west young (wo)man.  Lots-oh-beautiful hot spots.  Retirement is on a lot of minds, but a good exit plan is hard to come by.  Unless you have forty hours of fun, enriching, mind expanding things to do, reconsider.  Bagging groceries at the local supermarket isn’t going to cut it for most of us.  And your children really don’t want to see you that much.  Volunteering in the community is a lofty goal but let’s face it.  If you haven’t been doing it all along its probably not going to happen.  The best community activists have been involved while they were working and/or raising families and/or having too much fun and/or making it a priority in time and/or $$$.    Just trying to help out my peeps here and evaluate a generation that needs to hold their own.  Don’t be complacent.  I need to pad my lucrative book deal and if my Boomlennial brothren aren’t sculpting me a new Adonis I’ll have to rely on YouTube for content and start inhaling cinnamon and work my way up/down to Tide pods.  Think I’ll start with birthday cake #alsoloftygoal

my metabolism.  It’s that time of year and all the new diet books and chit chat shows are just giving me too much credit but thanks. The latest book says if you fast for twelve hours a day you’ll lose weight.  Call me crazy here but don’t most people do that??  If you have dinner at seven, twelve hours will pass until you eat again or am I missing out on that luscious 4am  snack?  Of course there’s always that evening binge or those glasses of Chardonnay that majically appear in my hand well into the evening, but on a whole I’d say I’m generally into a fourteen hour fast and nothin.  The obit on my metabolism was written long ago.  Nothing gets better with age except your perception of how wonderful you used to be.  I joined Weight Watchers for the first time when I was eighteen and have been a member most of my adulthood.  There are those who might think that is a failed relationship  but au contraire.  They continue to be my best buddy and have not overestimated my metabolism, relationships, common sense, and get my love/need/want for food.  Every diet works.  (Okay maybe not that dumb twelve hour fast thing).  But I think the Boomlennial has finally conceded that we need to live life.  Which of course includes being healthy and digging chocolate and trying our best to keep all the bad things at bay.   WW has grown and evolved with me, which includes doing your homework and not being complacent, and being a very good Boomlennial.  Once you stop fighting there ceases to be a war.  Mindfulness.  A very good word which makes me feel very Oprahesque and not the one yelling during award shows but the old school one that pulled a wagon of fat across the stage.  Being in the moment.  Making thoughtful decision.  Even the bad ones.  Very Boomlennialesque.

#newbeginnings#freshstart#resolutions#overitsigh.  The optimism of the new year is over.  Almost a week into it and I still haven’t lost twenty pounds.  The new calendar is still under the tree.  Covered in dirty needles.  Did manage to throw all the sweets out and not dig them back out of the trash so maybe should give myself credit for that.  Scratching for positivity here……  But as the year is wearing on I’m getting cranky.  And some of you are just ticking me off.   The women broadcasting from New York during a cyclone bomb (sounds like something I’m ordering tonight shots!)  dressed in sleeveless summer dresses.  Just seems dumb.  People are stupidly waving at you through the windows with nothing showing but their frost bitten eyes and you are flexing your toned arms.  If it was sweltering outside and you showed up in a sweater and turtleneck it would look absurd during the summer.  Get where I’m going with this??  Just annoys me.  Probably have white heels on your bare legs.  If you want credibility don’t cover the frigid blizzard dressed for an umbrella drink on the veranda.   I know this isn’t a topic that requires this much space but I’m trying to deflect the No Names Please people who tick me off.   If I’m your boss don’t argue with me.   If I’m your mother don’t argue with me.  If I’m buying something from you don’t argue with me.   If you’re serving me food don’t argue with me.  And so it goes.  My dog pooped in the house because it’s too cold for his big hairy *ss to squat outside.  Not forgiving this.  There is as much salt inside the house as on the driveway.  Nope not happy.  Schools are closed which I really shouldn’t care about but I know the mall and the ski slopes will be packed and it annoys me.  Why??   Deep thinking tells me that all the things put off during ‘the holidays’ must now be addressed.  And I still don’t want to.  I want to sit and look at the beautiful snow and dig those cookies out of the trash.  Only the clean ones.